I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
this boner is exhausting
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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