Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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