I think my vagina is haunted
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
