my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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