That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
