We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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