Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
