It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
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I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
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Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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