throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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