Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
