I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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