I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
