I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
