She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
