Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
