Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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