Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
