you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
