T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
