Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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