Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
