Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
