Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
