I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Randomize
