I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
