I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
