She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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