Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
