I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
