I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
