dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
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my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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