We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i think i have two assholes
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Randomize
