Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
