My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
