so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
