I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
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