You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Randomize
