Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
