So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
