I just threw up on my dentist
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
