I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Randomize
