My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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