Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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