I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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