evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
