I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Randomize
