we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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