well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
