she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Randomize
