Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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