He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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