I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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