before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
