She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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