Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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