I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
